Transcript AAF_HM_S1E2_Raegan (Version 3)

Raegan: [00:00:00] I like all art and for me, I'm really, I like to tune into how I feel in that moment because like being an anxious person, I really like hunger for those moments where I'm in the moment. Like if I'm deciding what media, like markers or paint or, I don't know, clay, It really just depends on my, my mood.

Malaika: Welcome to Happy Medium, a podcast where artists make art on the spot while creating art. With host me Malika Hollist, we chat on topics like the days of doodling in their diary, how self-love gave them confidence, or on building a successful art career using only old boxes. This podcast made by W U S F Public Media is about one's journey to finding self through a creative medium.[00:01:00]

Raegan: Hi, I'm Reagan. Um, I'm 17. I like to play soccer and go to the beach and create art.

Malaika: Hi guys. Welcome to the Happy Medium Podcast once again, creating art. We're working on our little fruit platter image. What are you, what color are you working with right now?

Raegan: Uh, number one, the, the almost white color.

Malaika: Almost white. I'm doing a, I would call this apricot color.

Raegan: I don't even know that was a color.

Malaika: Yeah, and I'm not even sure what fruit this is, but I'm, I'm working with Apricot.

Raegan: I think it's supposed to be an orange.

Malaika: I think it's the same as that one.

Raegan: Yeah. Yeah.

Malaika: I'm not really sure what we're gonna get at the end of this, but I'm excited.

So what does mental health mean to you?

Raegan: Well, I think that personally it's kind of like asking yourself questions when you react to things like, um, I like small things, like if you're offended by the way someone commented to [00:02:00] you, was it really what they said or who said it? Why does that bother you? You know?

For me it's kinda like digging deeper into like, Who I am kinda like going backwards so that I can understand like how I've unraveled or Yeah. Tangled up, you know? Yeah.

Malaika: What struggles do you personally have with mental health?

Raegan: Well, I mean, I would say just like anxiety is the only thing that really bothers me because it, it, it's funny, it just buries itself kind of like at the root of who you are. Mm-hmm. And it can spread into anything. Yeah. So it affects me in all kinds of ways. Like physically, I'm, if I'm anxious about a soccer game, I, I drew, I drew a picture about it. It literally makes me feel like my brain is sucking all of the air outta my lungs.

Yeah. It won't let me breathe. Mm-hmm. And so for the longest time I was like, I don't know how to breathe. It's okay. You know, like, and so then I was like doing breath work and all this [00:03:00] stuff, and it actually can like it, it constricts your blood vessels and stuff and that. Mm-hmm. Like it depletes your energy.

Yeah. So not only am I not able to breathe, I'm not able to perform at my highest. Right. So that's one way that anxiety can filter in, but also just the way that you, like you react to things. Yeah. I've kind of had to step back and ask myself, like before I say the things I wanna say. This is what I should say.

Yeah. Or you know, just kind of taking every moment as something different than before and I'll apply my own principles, but I have to make sure that anxiety doesn't make me say something so that I look a certain way. Yeah. You know?

Malaika: Or says or makes you say something that you don't actually mean. Yeah.

It's funny how it, like, I feel like I struggle with anxiety too, and it's funny how it affects people differently. Like for me it's like very stomach related. Like if I'm anxious, I like, I'll get like stomach [00:04:00] aches and like, I also struggle with like sleeping because if I'm like, yeah, anxious, then I'm like thinking about mm-hmm what I'm anxious about.

So then I can't shut my brain down and when I wanna go to sleep at night, I'm just like, yeah, going over and over and over and over and over and it's very annoying.

So you said also that before when we talked that. Because of you, you have a little bit of anxiety, but you also have a bit of like a perfectionism type of attitude and you wanna do everything.

Like what do you do that helps you feel more calm?

Raegan: Well, I think most cases I like to listen to music. Mm-hmm. Um, whether it's like after a soccer game or just like in the middle of class, I don't like to listen to people talk about things that are not important. Yeah. You know, so I'll put my earbuds in and just listen to whatever I'm feeling.

Um, sometimes if I really need to get outta my head, I put on, um, like ocean sounds. Mm-hmm. Or like raining. Cuz I can imagine like nature and like how they, [00:05:00] I don't know, just work. And then it's gotten to the point where every time I go to the beach mm-hmm. I feel more calm. Yeah. Or like every time I I see rain or hear thunder, it makes me feel more calm.

And I've always felt that way, but it's really been able to like help me. Diffuse my situation, then I, and I end up forgetting about it. Yeah. For the moment.

Malaika: So you said you don't like, you'll listen to music when you don't want to hear like too much other noise. Is it because it's the noise of other people is like making you more anxious or is it just whatever they're talking about like is kind of pointless and you just don't wanna let it get into your head?

Raegan: Yeah. Um. High schoolers aren't always the smartest about what they talk about. Um, also just kind of like hearing all of the gossip stuff. Mm-hmm. And stuff, it kind of frustrates me even more though that frustration adds onto my anxiety. So it just, it's not a good look for me and I

Malaika: So you just tune it out.

Raegan: Yes.

Malaika: As much as possible.

Raegan: Literally. [00:06:00]

Malaika: You said also that you like to do art and it helps you like, calm your mind. What's like some of your favorite types of art to do when you're stressed, or you just wanna, or you just wanna relax, like. What do you find the most enjoyable and why?

Raegan: I was thinking about this question, and it's really hard for me to answer because I like all art.

Mm-hmm. And for me, I'm really, I like to tune into how I feel in that moment because like, being an anxious person, I really like hunger for those moments where I'm in the moment, you know? Yeah. Like, I'm not thinking about anything else and my mind is quiet. Yeah. And it's very evident. Um, and I don't, I don't get those often.

So when I'm, when I'm creating my art, I like the, the process I go through. I like to visualize how I feel and I, I'm pretty literal. Mm-hmm. So like that when I was talking about, um, not being able to breathe, my first kind of interpreted piece was, uh, a brain with hands, like closing my, uh, lungs together.

Mm-hmm. And just not [00:07:00] like they're just squeezing them. And that's just how it felt. Yeah. To not be able to breathe because I was so weighed down by anxiety. Yeah. So, um, but ooh, just kind of like, do I wanna, like if I'm deciding what media, like markers or paint or I don't know, clay. Yeah. You know, um, it really just depends on my, my mood and I don't, I can't really, it just depends.

Yeah, that's, that's all I can say.

Malaika: So, so what's one piece that you made that you like really liked and like, what was your mood when you made it?

Raegan: When I started listening to Alex Elle mm-hmm. A lot more, we went to her workshop and then we kind of just started following the book and stuff like that. Um, I really got into like the emotional rest that she talks about.

You know, like working hard on yourself is great, but you also have to be okay with resting. Yeah. And when you don't feel like putting in the work to do that, just be okay with that. Don't force yourself cuz that's not helping you. Yeah. Anyway, so [00:08:00] my, my painting is really just kind of me. I'm, you don't see my head in a lot of these pictures, so I'm like sitting crisscrossed and I'm, I have my hands up and one down.

Yeah. And my mom kind of helped me visualize this cuz she's helping me, um, remember that I can receive things that are gonna help me. Yeah. And then release the things that are damaging to me. And so I have like life growing out of one hand and kind of like going up the arm. And then I have like chain marks.

Leaving and then I'm like dropping a chain from my, my hand. Cool. Yeah. So I really like to,

Malaika: is it a painting or is it a drawing? A sketch?

Raegan: It's a, so it starts out as a sketch, but I, um, I colored it with, uh, cop markers. Ooh,

Malaika: yeah. That sounds so cool. And I'm sure that helped you like, feel better too. Yeah.

It's kind of like, you know, when they say like, but in an artistic way, it's, you know, when they say you have a lot on your mind, like, make a list. Like write it down so you can get it outta your head kind of thing. It's kind of like you did a version of that with your art.[00:09:00]

We hope you are enjoying Happy Medium. Our podcast is made in collaboration with W U S F, public Media Arts Access Florida and the NPR network. Arts Axis Florida is your online destination for finding content on all things art going on in your area. Go to Arts Axis that's A X I S florida.org to learn more and find all Happy Medium podcast episodes.

If you had any advice um, for your peers mm-hmm. Who are struggling with their own mental health, how would you, how would you advise them on how they can work on it for themselves? You seem to have it under control. What, um, what is some advice you'd give to others who aren't sure how to like start tackling?

How to figure out how to be themselves?

Raegan: Well, I think that the main thing for [00:10:00] me, I wouldn't say completely under control, but just controlling what I can. Yeah. I, I struggle so hard with that because that's where most of my anxiety comes from, is Yeah. Not knowing what's gonna happen. How am I going to react?

Am I able to do this? Yeah. And then I start to tell myself I can't. So when it comes to other people, I think just comparison is something you must avoid. Yeah. Because it's so like the first thing that happens in my head, and it's, it's less now, but it, it was very. My default just like, oh, well so-and-so can run a full game, you know?

And I'm struggling at water break, you know? Yeah. Like, how can I ever do any better than Yeah. Right? And like, we've been playing the same time, we do the same thing at practice. Why is she different than me? And it's because she's different and I'm, I'm me. There's no other me. Right. So I, the reason, you know, we go through things individually and we like.

Or have our own personalities is because we're going through life in different ways. [00:11:00] Ways, yeah. You know, so I think my, my biggest advice would just be to accept that you have certain feelings. Don't, you know, resist the urge to feel them. Mm-hmm. Because there's a reason. Yeah. And be okay with being different.

Yeah. Because it's scary to be different, but you can't let those people that are afraid of you beat you down and keep you out and tell you that you don't belong. Yeah. Because really they're the ones missing out. Yeah. And I think that's kind of,

Malaika: and being different is like a great opportunity to kind of explore more things. Mm-hmm. And there's more opportunity in that. So it's, it's a really important like thing to be okay with just being yourself.

Yeah. So last question I have is, who is Reagan today and who, who would you like to continue being?

Raegan: Well, Reagan is a deck of cards, let's just say that.

Malaika: Oh, I like that one.

Raegan: Lots. A lot of different parts of me. And [00:12:00] I think that if you break me down to my core, I am very motivated by morality. Mm-hmm. And doing the right thing. So much so that it overwhelms me sometimes more than helping. Yeah. Um, but I'm also very, like, I care a lot about the world and how I could help or, um, just the person next to me if they're, you know, having a good day.

Yeah. You know, my. Um, my vision, I don't know. I just, I can be in one moment and just kind of like, help my friend out and just kind of be that person they wanna listen to. Mm-hmm. And then I can also be that person that's just like, I need you guys to stop talking about this. You know, like, this is not helping.

And I think that who I wanna continue to be is someone who also takes the time to help themselves. And I was talking to my counselor about this. Um, I, I tend to have a hard time remembering things that are very vital to my life. Mm. And we wonder like, is it because I don't [00:13:00] value my life? And I had always associated that with suicide and mm-hmm.

You know, um, that was, that was basically it. But then I realized that me not valuing my life isn't because I'm suicidal, because I know I'm not. It's, they're, they're not necessarily related. It's do I feel the need to allow myself to. Be helped even if it's a little bit of inconvenience to others. Yeah.

And is it in the right moment? Like if I, if I need a, a lollipop right now and it's the middle of the test, I'm not gonna go ask for a lollipop. Yeah. But if I'm, if I'm low and it's in the middle of an AP exam and I need Gatorade, that's something I don't really have a choice to do. Even though it's, the first thought in my mind is it's gonna go back up.

Yeah. I don't, I don't need to go get Gatorade. I don't wanna inconvenience everybody in their testing and it's, In my future, I want to be able to allow myself those feelings to be okay with feeling in the way [00:14:00] sometimes. Yeah. Because we take up space. Yeah.

Malaika: And you're not in the way. Right. We all take up space.

Mm-hmm. And sometimes like it's okay to ask for help or to, to. To take that time and cuz you let other people take that time and you don't mind. Yeah. So there's no problem with you taking that time as well.

Raegan: Right, right. Yeah. People take up so much of my time. They do.

Malaika: And we're like, all right. But anyway, thank you so much for being on this episode.

Um, we hope you guys enjoyed it and see you in the next one. Peace. Bye.

Thank you for listening to Happy Medium. You can find more info about the guest and other episodes in the show notes below, or go to our website, arts access florida.org. Thank you to our sponsors, Community Foundation Tampa Bay, building a vibrant, prosperous community through transformative vision, leadership, and philanthropy at [00:15:00] cftampabay.org.

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